The time to make up your mind about people is never -- Tracy Lords, "Philadephia Story"

Have you ever loved someone so much, you can't stand another minute of his or her company?

Yeah, me too.

I've been watching Philadelphia Story quite frequently lately. Every time I watch it I get something else from it. In my twenties, I was amused by the dialogue and impressed by the perfect chemistry between the cast, but irritated that Tracy Lord was redeemed only after being publicly humiliated, which leads to the man she loves embracing her but only if he can without her flaws. Seeing it now, some twenty years later, I still love all the things about it I first did, but completely changed my mind about Tracy's story.

I won't go on about it, except to say that like another film she made, Stage Door, Hepburn's character comes to know herself better through her personal failings and stops trying to control everything around her in part by accepting that being right is not the same as being true to herself. Another benefit of failing with witnesses is friendships can still be made while we try and fail. Disappointment and embarrassment usually drive us to hold each other at arms length. Imagine what it would be like to look on it as an opportunity to share ourselves and commiserate with each other. A little grace in these situations can be much more endearing.

 

One of the things I love about Stage Door is the strong female cast. The personalities are varied, and the way they interact with each other is somewhat realistic. Women can be competitive about the dumbest things. We can also be remarkably supportive of each other, but there has to be an element of trust and respect before that happens, along with empathy.

Many of us have been raised to think that we need to accomplish certain things in order to be happy. We must be perfect, or our best at all times, before we can be perfect with others (family, friends, lovers). Until then, we are excused from any responsibility for our own choices and happiness. "It just wasn't meant to be." Well, baloney. When Katherine Hepburn made Philadelphia Story, she was already considered box office poison, and yet she wanted to make this film so much she overcame all the obstacles in her way and made it happen. The cast was not the one she originally picked, but it worked, and thank gawd for letting go of that small bit of control and letting it happen anyway. The results were well worth it.

As for the people I love so much I can't stand their company for another minute? Maybe in this instance it is just me. I'm doing something completely out of character for me, and throwing out my expectations. But I am also not holding still in the meantime. Things will change, and when they do, I fully expect to be in good and welcome company.

Thankful for small favors that are not so small

William-Adolphe Bouguereau, Rest, 1879

Years ago, I quit a job in haste. I was working for a bully and one day finally got fed up and gave my notice. Later that day I called a friend to make plans for lunch. Her husband owned a few local bookstores, so I when I called I said, "I just quit my job, are you hiring?" She thought I was kidding. When she realized I wasn't, she put in a good word for me with one of their managers, and before my notice was over I had a new job at a bookstore. I only planned to stay there for a summer, but I wound up staying for eight years until the business closed for good in late 2008.

Tonight, we said goodbye to her husband. He battled cancer for many years, and passed away late last week. Clearly exhausted, she moved among her friends and family, expressing concern over their grief and loss. I wanted to take her home, fix her a cup of tea, and make her sit and rest. Tomorrow is the funeral, so there will be more socializing and comfort to be given, and hopefully shared. After that, two young children to care for and a life to put back into motion again. Promises were made to spend time together soon, and we will. But I wish I could find the magic that would wipe the tiredness from her eyes and give her some peace.

As for the gratitude? I wish I could thank him for the job, but really she is the one I should thank. Without her help my life would not be crowded with such wonderful people, including another friend who accompanied me to the viewing tonight, shared memories and my hope for better days ahead. It was such a small thing that became and continues to be so much more, and I am so very grateful.